I woke up earlier than usual, considering that I slept late last night. I woke up because I was having chest pains and difficulty breathing. It was like my veins somewhere around my ribs were knotted in a very uncomfortable, twisted angle. Every time I tried to take a deep breath, it would hurt so much I’d rather not breathe at all if that was even a choice.
It was hell. Well, my version of hell might not coincide with your own version or with the version of the Theologians and some practicing hard-core Christians.
The Theologians and hard-core Christians would argue that hell is a lake of fire. This is the destination of people who didn’t repent of their sins and accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. This is where they would go and be judged after their physical death. Eternal damnation, so they say.
photo not mine
But what if there’s really no lake-of-fire kind of hell? What if hell is just a metaphor for all the bad things that happen to us, and whether we deserve them or not is out of the question? What if hell is just a name we give to something we can’t explain or bear?
Some people might argue that hell is living with the mistakes and choices they’ve made, waiting and relying on second chance to make things right.
For most UP students, hell is having to sleep late and wake up even before the sun does. Hell is to study your butt off and still fail. Hell is the exam day. Hell is having panic attacks wondering whether you were able to meet that 12:00 MN deadline or not. Hell is having to go to a certain class unprepared because you had to go to a relative’s wake, and your professor decided to do his favorite hobby of humiliating irresponsible students. Hell is going through the motions of being a student, a student leader, a sister, a daughter, an intern all at the same time. Hell is the unstoppable budget cuts. Hell is the tuition and other fees increase. Hell is having to file a Leave of Absence from school due to financial restraints. Hell is getting an INC and 4.0 right after you submitted an application for graduation. Hell is either graduating on time or otherwise.
Six months ago, my version of hell was different. I knew I was damned the moment I woke up in the morning and realized that I wasn’t dead. I knew I was damned when I went to sleep at night and I kept seeing this person at an arm’s length but every time I try to touch his face, he vanished. I knew I was damned when after all that has happened, I somehow trusted him to explain why my whole life has been upended.
Today, though, I don’t feel anything like that. Today, I just want these chest pains to go away. And these knotted veins around my ribs, come on! Grow up! Don’t go around blocking each other’s ways, you stupid lot!
I just want to get out of this hell. Tomorrow, I’ll have to deal with another demon, in another hell.
Like an Avalanche 