“It has been worth it.” Your tone was historic, it sounded final. Like a farewell. Well, it was, wasn’t it?

I wanted to say something but my tongue tasted of copper and lead, I couldn’t force my lips to open. I just looked at you, like after an accident where I watched my own blood flow and feel nothing. According to you, the more one can’t feel the pain, the more grave the injury is. The muscles are dead and have stopped responding to stimulus. I could be dead, too. Only that I am not.

“It has been worth it.” What has it been worth? What will happen next? What will happen to me? What am I to suffer?

That’s the thing about tragedy, it takes you by surprise, always comes without warning. And no matter how prepared you think you are, you actually are not. It was like being caught in the flash flood; you see the waters rushing towards you ragingly and you just know that you are powerless to stir an inch.

Calamity, in my opinion, has a generalizing effect, so why did I have to suffer in an annihilating detail instead of suffering in a monumental way?  I tried to consider my resources, ranging my ideas, my secrets carefully against the future. But ideas don’t and cannot replace feelings. They just prepare us for, sustain us in our feelings.

If I understand why am I to be hurt, then does that really mean that it will hurt me less? Unfortunately, no. It doesn’t just work that way. It does not make things any easier and lesser painful.

I know that we have to come to terms with this. Yes, to terms. But whose terms–isn’t that the point? If what we had was an us, then how come only you got the chance to decide?

Life, no matter how balanced it is, is unfair. You hated the truth that  life is unfair and yet, you became exactly what you hate. And I knew you would look different from that moment that you stopped loving me.

“I would always care about you,” you went on, anxious to be understood, unaware that you were rubbing salt on raw wounds. You narrated lines of your litany but they weren’t comforting; they felt like bullets and guillotine.